Maybe it's my age or something, but here's the deal. I am no longer willing to put up with unhealthy relationships and being treated like crap. I mean, I've exercised my boundaries in the past, but I seem to be noticing lately, that I am finding it impossible to pretend and move on in relationships when they are just not right. I want to talk about stuff, work stuff out in healthy ways. The thing is, if the person doesn't want to do that, I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that that is their choice, and I have no control that. It doesn't seem to make me so crazy anymore. So, I'm even finding that I am becoming OK with not having a relationship with them at all, if that's the way somebody chooses to treat me and handle things.
Isn't that weird?
Well, it's weird to me.
I guess I want more from relationships. I want authenticity. And, I want to BE authentic. I hate fake. I hate "keep the peace at all costs." I hate games. I want feedback. I want pushback. And I want to offer my own input. I want to be valued for who I am. I want my feelings valued. I want what I have to say to be valued. I want to be respected. If I have a problem, I want to be able to discuss it and process it and be HEARD. Validated. I want to offer who I am, and have someone appreciate it. To listen to someone's problems, and not be taken advantage of. To be a friend and have it be reciprocated. To offer my fragile humanness as a gift, and have someone treasure it.
That's what I want.
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4 comments:
Amen amen and amen sister. I am in total agreeance with you! Who cares about the quantity of friends, I am all about the quality of the friendships. I hear ya loud and clear!!! :) And yes, it can be frustrating too. The joys of all of us being broken human beings....glad you live a life of grace and integrity. :)
Jodi, did something just happen recently that brought this up or does this still stem from what happened at your previous church?
I don't know if where my wife and I are at relates to you at all but we are so trust shattered that we don't want to take a chance on friends right now or anymore at all in fact. We do miss having other people our age to spend time with and be ourselves but to us it's not worth the price of being burned in the end for being honest and open. For us to have frineds right now, God would have to drop them in front of us on a silver platter with a note saying, "These are your new friends. They won't hurt you, burn you, leave you, lie to you, and so on. You can trust me. God."
This is something that just happened recently, sort of. It's not church related.....
I relate to, and hurt for the fact that your trust has been shattered by your church experience. It's so painful to hear about.....I hurt for your family, and I guarantee God does too.
I recently read a book that I think you and your wife might enjoy. It's called "So, You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore," by Jake Colsen. It's a fictional story, but packed with insights and truth about negative church experiences and what church is "supposed" to be. I hope you will go online and buy it. It's an unusual book, that I think might be a healing thing.
I'm going to start writing some more stuff on my blog about burnout, as I am discovering some things through my speech class research. Stay tuned....
hmmm... I think it is an age-relate thing. One of those great things that comes with getting older and getting more comfortable in our own skin. Honestly and clarity. People only know as much about you as you let them know, and if you are honest and clear about what you want then you've done your part. I hope that those authentic friends come your way (and the way of your friend Tom). It's so much harder to be vulnerable after you've been taken advantage of, and those walls take a long time to come down (funny, because they can go up so fast!).
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