A couple of weeks ago, I had a meltdown moment. My husband must have sat with me for over a half hour while I cried. I was feeling stressed about my future clinical assignment, and worried over how far away they will send me - wondering if God would really look out for me and not allow me to be sent to Vancouver (one of the locations). I thought that, because what I'm doing doesn't have any "eternal significance" it must not matter to God - whether I succeed or fail, where I'm sent, etc., isn't important to Him in the grand scheme of things......
My husband said that he didn't think that God had brought me this far, to allow something that would make it a hardship on me and our family. I said, that I didn't think God cared about it, because it was my choice to enter the program, and maybe He's just allowing me to do it......
I didn't wholeheartedly agree with myself, even as I spoke the words, but I guess I was having doubts that what I was doing was OK with God. Since ultrasound is a secular job, I had some faulty thinking about it not having "eternal significance." All in all, in a moment of meltdown, I suppose I revealed some inner doubts and thoughts that were bubbling up from the recesses of my heart.
As I spoke, the Lord clearly directed me to read the book of Ruth. The next morning, I read the jewel of this little book of the Bible. I won't go into detail explaining the book of Ruth (go read it - it's good!), but I will say the lesson God wanted to teach me in it. He wanted me to see how He was involved and interested in the details of Ruth's life - providing a field for her to gather grain, directing her to just the right field, where He actually provided her future husband. NOTHING WAS COINCIDENCE. There. Stamped on my heart. Thanks, Lord.
I also listen to Christian radio (KGNW) on my drive to school. I have come to love listening to Allister Begg (sp?), a Scottish pastor. He is so dear. Anyway, God used him to speak to my heart again about how I, and the details of my life, are God's personal concern. Allister made a statement: "The presence of anxiety shows us the absence of humility." Conviction. Thanks, Lord. My steps are ordered of God, nothing is coincidence or random, my life is ever in front of his face. Thank you, Lord.
As it usually happens with me, God used our pastor to confirm His word to me again. Our pastor is speaking on the "end times," and the first message spoke of God's plans and how He has ordered time from the beginning to the end. Jeremiah 29:11 came up, which is one of my favorite verses. Thanks, Lord.
When God speaks to me in these ways, confirming His Word so beautifully, it's like a stamp in concrete on my heart. I will no longer doubt that my steps are not ordered of God. I remembered that I prayed, even before I started the process to this ultrasound program, that He would shut the door if it was not His best for me and my family. He didn't. In fact, He has given me great success. If He shuts the door down the line, I will accept it, because I trust Him. However, I believe that since He opened this door, and continues to give me success, I will trust that He will continue to provide for me and my family during this process to it's completion. Whether my occupation is in the secular world or in ministry, the Lord will use me for His glory. After all, there are people who do not know Him everywhere. A ministry occupation is no more of a "godly endeavor" than being salt and light in the secular workplace.
Sometimes I "know" things in my head, but even though they're there, what I "know" in the deep places of my heart don't match. I absolutely love it when God speaks to me and connects the two. I'm so solid in my "head beliefs" I didn't even realize there was this mismatch, but He is so good to see that and fix it. Today, I'm thankful for His reasssurance of His love for me and reminder of His plans for my life.
THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES.