I am struggling with some thoughts and ideas regarding relationships. Now, I have read almost all the "Boundaries" books, as well as other great insights on relationships. Yet, I still struggle with what's right and what's wrong in setting boundaries and dealing with difficult people.
I understand that, just because I'm a Christian, doesn't mean that I should be "nice" and let people walk all over me and treat me like crap. I understand that I should set limits on how I am treated. On the other hand, I am supposed to forgive "seventy times seven," according to The Bible. Maybe it's not correct to say "on the other hand." I know that you can forgive someone, releasing them, but it doesn't mean you then welcome the poor treatment again.
The thing is, isn't reconciliation the highest goal? Or, is it? Didn't God model reconciliation by reconciling us to Himself through Jesus, and that's what we're supposed to do in relationships? What if reconciliation is not possible due to the lack of desire from the other person?
I have a situation in my life, where I want to reconcile with a person after the person has done and said some things that hurt me. They refuse to talk with me and fix the problem in the relationship in a healthy way. From what I gather, they want me to let it go without talking about it, and just move on. Act like nothing happened and attend events with them like usual. They are not validating my feelings, or the fact that their actions have hurt the relationship. They think they had a "right" to do what they did, no matter what it did to me or others (plus, it is a pattern in their life to sort of "spew" on people whenever they feel like it).
I feel torn, because I feel like we need to talk about what happened. I feel the relationship was hurt because of what this person did. I was hurt. Of course I forgive this person, and I would like the opportunity to show forgiveness to this person, but I think that if I just "move on" and never talk about what happened, it is going to invite the same treatment in the future. It also shows the superficiality of the relationship, which is not what I want out of it. The most difficult part, is that it is a family relationship. I've done what I can to say that we need to talk one-on-one about things, and make the relationship right. They don't want to do that. They only want to email or write letters, which has not been working, because it seems like everything I write is misinterpreted and warped into something else. I can't manage the filters they filter me through. And so, I have said that I really can't move on with the person until we talk.
Now, I don't feel comfortable attending events for or with this person right now. My husband doesn't want to either, because he was hurt as well. Plus, I don't feel like going to something and being all uncomfortable and fake. Yet, it doesn't feel right to attend, and it doesn't feel right not to attend. Maybe it's not a matter of "right," but just that it feels yucky. I definitely feel like I can't move on in the relationship until it's repaired, but I also don't like not being a part of their life and giving all of the good things I would like to give to them. I would like to share with them, the special things going on in their life and be generous to them with gifts. If I tried to give at this point, I feel like it would be pooped on and not appreciated. I'm hoping that, once the relationship is reconciled, I can give the gifts I would like to give.
Not attending their events, or giving gifts is not revenge on my part. I'm sure the other person might think that, and I have written that it is not my intention. I keep re-iterating that I want to fix the relationship first and foremost. I feel like I have tried all I can to show that I value the relationship enough to want to work things out. I vascillate between wondering if I should have sent a gift, to feeling like the gift wouldn't have been valued anyway. I vascillate between what shows the love of God more and what doesn't.
There doesn't seem to be a black and white, right or wrong answer. It all seems so gray. And, it all feels so yucky.
What is your take?
About Me
- Jodi
- I am a 40 year-old, Christian,wife to retired Navy Chief, mom of college student, high school senior plus one fourth grader. In September of 2006, I went back to college and graduated from the Diagnostic Medical Sonography (ultrasound) program on June 10, 2010. I am in a growing relationship with God, and have put church burnout behind me. I like to tell the truth, make a caramel latte in the morning, drink Rooibos tea, talk to God while driving, eat dark chocolate, and wear jeans as much as possible. In between chauferring children and working, I like paper crafting with rubber stamps. You will most likely find me at my kids' school plays, baseball games, concerts and helping build Lego creations.
Christmas 2009
Family Craziness
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15 comments:
That is a tough situation. There are times when it seems best to simply set someone free (even Jesus walked away from people at times). The time of separation may be for a short time, it may be for a while. But, during that time you can still love them and pray for them. Sometimes letting go is the best thing we can do, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean we no longer care for the person. Will be praying for you and for the situation, and for an answer to be revealed clearly for you. Yucky stuff, but I guess that happens when we actually choose to enter into relationships with people.
Since you really want the chance to talk with this person but they aren't interested what would happen if you went to dinner or out for coffee? Would they accept? In that scenario the option is to listen or leave...do you think they would at least hear you out? After that you can't control their response but at least you would know that you said what you needed to say and the rest of it is just God working on you and them in the meantime.
Jodi, is it me? I'm a horrible friend and I know I've taken and not given. I tend to not be good at friendships and I worry more than most. I'm sorry. I certainly hope that if it is me, you would let me know. I know that I live far away, and I don't comment over here. I appreciate all that you've done for me through the years in small groups and with my sister, and I appreciate your comments and kindness. Please know that I do not intend to offend or hurt. Please also, feel free to tell me straight up if I am the offending party. I really value you and appreciate you. Your spirit is so dear and sweet and I love you.
No, you silly. It's not you! You're so sweet to say those things. If only the family member I'm thinking of had your attitude! :) No, it's not you. It's so great to hear from you. Email me more often - let's keep in touch. I read your blog and I think of your sister. I have held on to the program from the funeral with that beautiful picture of her on the front....What a time that was...You probably think of her everyday...Oh yeah-I love you too!! :)
M-Thanks for your comment. I wish the person were willing to go out for coffee! They don't even want to just talk on the phone....Sigh....This thing is going nowhere.
Have you sent them a link to your blog (or just cut and pasted the entry you wrote)? I think you've said what you want to do quite well, and in a way that's hard to misinterpret. I agree with Chelle about letting go, even if it's only mental. It's so hard when it's family! I will pray for you, and hope this end. I had a friend who had serious issues with her sister-in-law. She wrote her a very long letter detailing what she felt, they talked, and still have a relationship. They're not best friends, but the holidays are much easier these days!
I suppose they have my blog address. Whether they read it or not, I don't know. Plus, I have said exactly those things to them. I've tried to be the voice of reason in email, letter and left voice mail, so they could hear the tone of my voice. It doesn't matter to them. And, obviously, I don't matter to them, either. That's why I don't hold family so dearly, because it hasn't been dear to me. It's done nothing but break my heart. At least, my mom and other sibling have come back to God recently, and we are beginning to have the kind of relationships I've longed for. But, it's been years and years of frickin' disappointment due to maltreatment and neglect. I don't have a relationship with my father because he is so abusive, controlling and demeaning. Someday maybe he would open up to a miracle from God, but until then, I have to protect myself and my own family. I've grown up protecting myself from, and just plain surviving in, what is supposed to be a loving, safety net in life. I'm tired of being the "nice" person only to get treated like crap over and over and over. I go to family gatherings, hoping it might be normal that time, but it usually isn't. And, I'm tired of going and tolerating something, just because it's "family." There are rarely rich and meaningful times with "family," so I am unwilling to go anymore if it's not going to be special, and if I'm not going to be valued and respected. And, I have looked to the church to be that for me, and they haven't either.....
Yay. Pity party for me.
You can be a part of my family! We are all crazy, have fun, and love fiercely! You are more than welcome to join us looneys :) we'll adopt you, how about that?
Thank you for that...
Jodi, I don't know enough about this situation to comment. I don't understand and I'm really confused by the whole thing. I might say the wrong thing so I won't say anything. If this was someone else, I'd say just let it go but since it's a family member and actually sounds like you're talking about your Father, I'm leaving it alone.
I did want to give you a site to go to about a different topic though. It's about the whole seeker sensitive thing and target audiences that we were talking about before. Just go to Google and put in Market Driven Church. And click on the one that says, "A look behind the scenes." It's long but when you have time you should read it.
Your fellow bloggers might want to check it out too.
Tom
No, it's not about my father - I know the posts are kind of vague, but they have to be. Anyway, I'll check out the site! I like reading about stuff like that...
Actually I'm glad it's not about your Father. I hope I wasn't out of line even bringing that up.
Please pray for my wife and me. We are very discouraged and depressed. We are contemplating a move which would mean selling the condo, buying a new home, looking for new employment, uprooting kids, leaving some of my wifes family, and so on. But we both feel a move out of New Jersey is the right thing for us. We have no direction in our lives right now and God seems very quiet and we can't hear the "still small voice." We have friends in Pennsylvania who have offered to put us up while we look for jobs and a place to live. ???????
They are friends who served on the P/W team with us at our former church until they got fed up with the pastor and then he got transferred to PA.
I don't know you and your wife very well, and I hope I am not overspeaking when I say this. I just wonder if this is the best time to make such huge decisions. I seems like you are still riding the wave of a painful experience, and if there is no word from God right now as to your direction, then maybe it would be better to wait? Perhaps it is a waiting and healing season, and not a "doing" season? Like I said, I don't know you well, but I'm concerned. There is a sermon I want you to hear, and I'm going to figure out how to send you the link to it.....
Jodi, any progress on talking to this person? Keep us posted.
Nope. They've dug in their heels. Now they didn't even send my kids birthday presents. I'm going to send their children gifts, anyway. It's not the kids' fault!
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