Relationships
I am struggling with some thoughts and ideas regarding relationships. Now, I have read almost all the "Boundaries" books, as well as other great insights on relationships. Yet, I still struggle with what's right and what's wrong in setting boundaries and dealing with difficult people.
I understand that, just because I'm a Christian, doesn't mean that I should be "nice" and let people walk all over me and treat me like crap. I understand that I should set limits on how I am treated. On the other hand, I am supposed to forgive "seventy times seven," according to The Bible. Maybe it's not correct to say "on the other hand." I know that you can forgive someone, releasing them, but it doesn't mean you then welcome the poor treatment again.
The thing is, isn't reconciliation the highest goal? Or, is it? Didn't God model reconciliation by reconciling us to Himself through Jesus, and that's what we're supposed to do in relationships? What if reconciliation is not possible due to the lack of desire from the other person?
I have a situation in my life, where I want to reconcile with a person after the person has done and said some things that hurt me. They refuse to talk with me and fix the problem in the relationship in a healthy way. From what I gather, they want me to let it go without talking about it, and just move on. Act like nothing happened and attend events with them like usual. They are not validating my feelings, or the fact that their actions have hurt the relationship. They think they had a "right" to do what they did, no matter what it did to me or others (plus, it is a pattern in their life to sort of "spew" on people whenever they feel like it).
I feel torn, because I feel like we need to talk about what happened. I feel the relationship was hurt because of what this person did. I was hurt. Of course I forgive this person, and I would like the opportunity to show forgiveness to this person, but I think that if I just "move on" and never talk about what happened, it is going to invite the same treatment in the future. It also shows the superficiality of the relationship, which is not what I want out of it. The most difficult part, is that it is a family relationship. I've done what I can to say that we need to talk one-on-one about things, and make the relationship right. They don't want to do that. They only want to email or write letters, which has not been working, because it seems like everything I write is misinterpreted and warped into something else. I can't manage the filters they filter me through. And so, I have said that I really can't move on with the person until we talk.
Now, I don't feel comfortable attending events for or with this person right now. My husband doesn't want to either, because he was hurt as well. Plus, I don't feel like going to something and being all uncomfortable and fake. Yet, it doesn't feel right to attend, and it doesn't feel right not to attend. Maybe it's not a matter of "right," but just that it feels yucky. I definitely feel like I can't move on in the relationship until it's repaired, but I also don't like not being a part of their life and giving all of the good things I would like to give to them. I would like to share with them, the special things going on in their life and be generous to them with gifts. If I tried to give at this point, I feel like it would be pooped on and not appreciated. I'm hoping that, once the relationship is reconciled, I can give the gifts I would like to give.
Not attending their events, or giving gifts is not revenge on my part. I'm sure the other person might think that, and I have written that it is not my intention. I keep re-iterating that I want to fix the relationship first and foremost. I feel like I have tried all I can to show that I value the relationship enough to want to work things out. I vascillate between wondering if I should have sent a gift, to feeling like the gift wouldn't have been valued anyway. I vascillate between what shows the love of God more and what doesn't.
There doesn't seem to be a black and white, right or wrong answer. It all seems so gray. And, it all feels so yucky.
What is your take?
I understand that, just because I'm a Christian, doesn't mean that I should be "nice" and let people walk all over me and treat me like crap. I understand that I should set limits on how I am treated. On the other hand, I am supposed to forgive "seventy times seven," according to The Bible. Maybe it's not correct to say "on the other hand." I know that you can forgive someone, releasing them, but it doesn't mean you then welcome the poor treatment again.
The thing is, isn't reconciliation the highest goal? Or, is it? Didn't God model reconciliation by reconciling us to Himself through Jesus, and that's what we're supposed to do in relationships? What if reconciliation is not possible due to the lack of desire from the other person?
I have a situation in my life, where I want to reconcile with a person after the person has done and said some things that hurt me. They refuse to talk with me and fix the problem in the relationship in a healthy way. From what I gather, they want me to let it go without talking about it, and just move on. Act like nothing happened and attend events with them like usual. They are not validating my feelings, or the fact that their actions have hurt the relationship. They think they had a "right" to do what they did, no matter what it did to me or others (plus, it is a pattern in their life to sort of "spew" on people whenever they feel like it).
I feel torn, because I feel like we need to talk about what happened. I feel the relationship was hurt because of what this person did. I was hurt. Of course I forgive this person, and I would like the opportunity to show forgiveness to this person, but I think that if I just "move on" and never talk about what happened, it is going to invite the same treatment in the future. It also shows the superficiality of the relationship, which is not what I want out of it. The most difficult part, is that it is a family relationship. I've done what I can to say that we need to talk one-on-one about things, and make the relationship right. They don't want to do that. They only want to email or write letters, which has not been working, because it seems like everything I write is misinterpreted and warped into something else. I can't manage the filters they filter me through. And so, I have said that I really can't move on with the person until we talk.
Now, I don't feel comfortable attending events for or with this person right now. My husband doesn't want to either, because he was hurt as well. Plus, I don't feel like going to something and being all uncomfortable and fake. Yet, it doesn't feel right to attend, and it doesn't feel right not to attend. Maybe it's not a matter of "right," but just that it feels yucky. I definitely feel like I can't move on in the relationship until it's repaired, but I also don't like not being a part of their life and giving all of the good things I would like to give to them. I would like to share with them, the special things going on in their life and be generous to them with gifts. If I tried to give at this point, I feel like it would be pooped on and not appreciated. I'm hoping that, once the relationship is reconciled, I can give the gifts I would like to give.
Not attending their events, or giving gifts is not revenge on my part. I'm sure the other person might think that, and I have written that it is not my intention. I keep re-iterating that I want to fix the relationship first and foremost. I feel like I have tried all I can to show that I value the relationship enough to want to work things out. I vascillate between wondering if I should have sent a gift, to feeling like the gift wouldn't have been valued anyway. I vascillate between what shows the love of God more and what doesn't.
There doesn't seem to be a black and white, right or wrong answer. It all seems so gray. And, it all feels so yucky.
What is your take?
Comments
Yay. Pity party for me.
I did want to give you a site to go to about a different topic though. It's about the whole seeker sensitive thing and target audiences that we were talking about before. Just go to Google and put in Market Driven Church. And click on the one that says, "A look behind the scenes." It's long but when you have time you should read it.
Your fellow bloggers might want to check it out too.
Tom
Please pray for my wife and me. We are very discouraged and depressed. We are contemplating a move which would mean selling the condo, buying a new home, looking for new employment, uprooting kids, leaving some of my wifes family, and so on. But we both feel a move out of New Jersey is the right thing for us. We have no direction in our lives right now and God seems very quiet and we can't hear the "still small voice." We have friends in Pennsylvania who have offered to put us up while we look for jobs and a place to live. ???????
They are friends who served on the P/W team with us at our former church until they got fed up with the pastor and then he got transferred to PA.